Finding My Place
by lissylou78
Summary: So...I thought I do enough M&G and was inspired to try a little H&P. This is based after Hayley's death and Emily's role in the Hotchner's lives...It starts angsty...and ends angsty. It was meant to just be E&H but M&G ended up slipping through
1. Chapter 1

"Em, honey where are you?" Garcia called out as she let herself into Emily's apartment. Penelope had received a phone call from an incoherent Emily. She had dropped everything she was doing and rushed over. Penelope followed the sniffling that led her to Emily's bedroom. Penelope's heart broke at the sight of her friend curled up into a ball on her bed crying.  
"Honey what happened?" she asked rushing to her bedside. As Penelope sat on the bed she gathered Emily into her arms,  
"Talk to me honey. What's wrong?" Emily sniffed and lay her head on Penelope's lap holding on to the arms that held her for dear life.  
"He's never going to be able to move on from her. It's always going to be Hayley." Emily said in such despair that it broke Penelope's heart.  
"Honey he will always love Hayley. She was his first love, his best friend for over a decade, she gave him his son. She will always be a part of him, but he loves you. That man has enough love for you and Hayley."  
"I will always be competing her ghost Pen. She will always be that perfect being that was taken away because of his choices. She was perfect before that, add on to it the guilt he feels for losing her, and you have someone whose memory you can never tarnish nor even dream of meeting."  
"What happened?" Pen asked softly. Emily was the most unflappable person she'd ever met, and she knew that it would take a lot for her to unravel.

Ever since Emily had proved herself by standing up to Strauss and quitting before leaking any information about their team Hotch had developed a soft spot for her. One he had fought from the moment she first planted herself into his office determined to prove herself. Case by case had brought them that little bit closer, slowly yet surely. She had transitioned from subordinate, a respected colleague, to a valued friend. Though they had not yet crossed that line, there lay a definitive promise that Emily held on to tighter than she cared to admit.

After Hayley's tragic death the whole team had come around Aaron. They were there to hear their heart wrenching final goodbye. They were the first on the scene to see the strongest man they knew break in so many pieces that it was near impossible to imagine putting him back together. Jack, who was not a stranger to his team gravitated naturally to the women. At the house after JJ had taken him outside, he had flown out of her arms to wrap himself around Emily's legs. Emily who was bent over trying to catch her breath, determined not lose it was surprised to see Jack Hotchner's arms wrapped tightly around her legs. Out of everyone in the team, with the exception of his Aunt Penny who had been baby sitting him since he was little, it was Emily he saw the most often. She was Daddy's friend and in time had become his friend.

"Hey Buddy." Emily said picking him up in her arms and holding him close. Sensing that all was not well Jack wrapped his arms tightly around her neck  
"Emmy, where's Mommy?" he asked breaking her heart  
"She's inside Sweetheart. Your Daddy is with her."  
"Can I go see her?" Emily bit back the tears  
"No honey, not yet. Your Daddy will come out soon and he'll talk to you about Mommy okay." She answered,  
"Can I stay here with you till he comes out."  
"Of course you can Sweetheart. You can hang out with me for as long as you want." Emily looked at the house that once housed a very happy Hotchner family. She imagined the broken man inside trying his best to pick himself up off the floor and let go of his wife so he could go outside and care for the son she left behind.

Derek had ridden in the ambulance that took Hayley away. It didn't seem right to leave her alone and Aaron was grateful that someone was going to be with her, knowing he couldn't because of Jack. After the formalities Dave had taken the Hotchner boys to his cabin where Penelope was waiting with a warm meal and open arms. Jack who had reluctantly let go of Emily to join his father and Uncle Dave in the car, flew into Penelope's arms as she opened the door to greet them. Jack buried his head on her shoulder clinging on for dear life. Hotch gave her a grateful look knowing that as hard as he tried, Jack needed a woman's touch. Penelope could only nod with tears in her eyes. He saw in her eyes what words could not convey and he squeezed her hand before collapsing into one of Dave's chairs.

"Honey, why don't we get you fed? Aunt P made you your favourite." Jack lifted his head briefly with tears in his eyes and shook his head  
"Come on Tiger, try and eat a few bites for me okay? I'll be there with you the whole time." Hotch watched as his son still in shock by the news he had to break to him only tighten his grip around Garcia's neck.  
"Maybe in awhile then, you let me know when you tummy gets hungry but for now we can go outside and sit on Uncle Davey's porch swing." Penelope looked to Hotch for consent who gave it. Penelope knew that he was close to breaking down, and the last thing he needed was for Jack to witness it. Penelope sat down on the swing while Jack Hotchner remained wrapped around her.

Moments later the rest of the team had arrived, not at all surprised to see Jack clinging to Penelope. As Derek passed them his eyes met hers, and the reflection of what haunted them all rest beneath his eyes. He placed a hand on her shoulder needing to draw strength from her before entering Rossi's home. Pen simply tilted her head to rest her cheek on his hands, as she continued to rub Jack's back. Derek bent down to place a kiss on Penelope's forehead before braving the door before him.

Derek, JJ and Reid had made all the necessary phone calls. The only two Aaron had made was to Hayley's mother and to her sister Jessica, which was enough to kill him. JJ and Emily had packed up a lot of Jack's things so that Hotch didn't need to return to that house till he was ready to. They were going to stay at Dave's where Hotch had been living since Foyet's attack, as an unspoken solidarity they all remained.

For the weeks and months that followed they moved as well oiled machine. They had all come together to make it easier for Jack and for Hotch, everything they did was seamless. With the constant care of Penelope, Emily and JJ Jack managed to move forward little by little. When he cried for his Mom more often than not Emily was there to soothe him. Aaron was grateful to his team, and if there were any doubts beforehand, there was certainly no denying now that they were a family.

"What happened honey?" Penelope repeated as Emily remained unresponsive for a few minutes.  
"He kissed me."  
"Oh," Penelope said sensing that there was a but on the way,  
"You should have seen the look on his face Pen. It was like he got caught cheating on his wife. It had taken him years to finally make a move and he took it back."  
"Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry." Penelope said hugging her friend that little bit tighter.  
"I'm sure it wasn't regret Em. He loves you. It's just guilt. He feels guilty that he can move on and it's like he's tarnishing her memory by moving on."  
"I wish it was that Pen, but I don't think so." Emily said in a sad whisper.  
"I don't think I can go back to work Pen. Not like this. It hurts too much. I can't be in the same room as him and pretend nothing's happened and nothing's changed. This changes everything." Penelope had to agree. If she were in the same position her first instinct would be to bolt.  
"Have you talked to him?"  
"What, since I ran out the door? Err no. I sort of threw my phone against the wall when I got home."  
"Was he calling?"  
"That's just it Pen. He wasn't."


	2. Chapter 2

Penelope let out a huge breath and ran her fingers through her Emily's hair soothingly.  
"What do you say we pack up an overnight bag and we go on a road trip?" Penelope suggested knowing that there was no way Emily was going to show her face at work, and she knew that she needed to process. Emily looked up at Penelope with tears in her eyes,  
"Really."  
"Sure honey. You look like you could use some air. Go get your stuff together. I'll make the necessary calls. We'll be on the road in less than half an hour. Emily knew what she meant by necessary calls and gave her a grateful look. She wasn't ready to face the world just yet.

"Is she okay?" he asked without saying hello,  
"Well hello to you too Aaron." Penelope said dryly  
"I'm sorry. Did she call you?"  
"She did."  
"Pen…"  
"What were you thinking Aaron? You knew how fragile this situation was. If you had any second thoughts, you should have left it well alone."  
"I know, I just, I care about her Pen."  
"I know you do Aaron. I don't doubt that you do." She said softening a little,  
"But you've hurt her, you've turned my unflappable friend into a blubbering girl." She could hear Hotch sigh on the other side of the line. She knew that he was torn with guilt and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Emily.  
"How do I fix this?"  
"You need to decide what you want Hotch, and stand by it. You can't want it one minute and feel guilty the next. I know how much you loved Hayley, I loved her too. She was my friend. She wouldn't want you to feel guilty for loving again."  
"You think she'll talk to me."  
"Not right now. You need to give her some time Hotch. You gave her something she's longed for and you took it back. She's hurt, and she's angry. She's not ready to listen to anything you have to say tight now.  
"I don't want to lose her Pen."  
"Then don't. You make that choice Hotch. No one else does." Penelope could hear him lost in his own thoughts,  
"We're going to take a little girl road trip. Can you cover?"  
"Sure,"  
"It's either a road trip or she'll run Aaron. I recognise the face." Pen explained  
"I know Pen. Thanks for looking out for her."  
"It's what friends do. And I know I've been all tough love on you, but you know I'm here if you need me too. Admittedly I want to smack you right now, but it doesn't mean I don't care about you, or not know how hard this is for you."  
"I know. For now, just take care of her. Maybe put in a good word for me. I truly care about her Pen."  
"I know you do."

Penelope walked back into Emily's apartment to find her coming out of her room with an overnight bag, changed into her jeans and T-shirt looking a lot younger than what she was.

"So did he survive the wrath of one Penelope Garcia?" Emily asked cringing slightly knowing that Penelope would not have pulled any punches.  
"Yes he did. He cares about you Em. More than that he loves you. Deep down you know that."  
"That may be so Pen, but the look on his face spoke a thousand words." Knowing there was no getting past that Penelope gave her arm a gentle squeeze.  
"I told him you were going to take time out. He's scared that he's going to lose you. He asked if you were willing to speak to him, but I am leaving that decision to you when you're ready."

"I'm not just yet. Maybe in a day or two. I just want to clear my head. My whole world the last few months since Hayley has died, perhaps even longer has been wrapped around Hotch, getting him through this season, helping him navigate it. Making sure that Jack's okay. Which I don't begrudge, I wanted to be there. But it hurts Pen. I don't know if I could go back knowing it will always be her. That no matter how much he may care about me, he will always love her more."  
"Honey, he's loved her longer, that's all. It doesn't mean he loves you any less." Emily looked doubtful, the hurt deflected any reason and Penelope knew she wasn't quite ready to hear reason.  
"Let's swing by mine real quick so I can change and pack a few things."  
"Lead the way."

After a quick stop at Penelope's they were on the road. Emotionally exhausted Emily fell into slumber twenty minutes into the drive. Penelope glanced at her friend worriedly. She knew what it was like to love someone from afar and within time have it within your grasp, only to have it taken away.

"Honey, we're here." Penelope said gently shaking her friend awake after lugging their stuff inside. Emily stirred,  
"And where is here? Oh wow. It's beautiful Pen." She exclaimed as she saw the cottage with the beach directly behind it.  
"It is." Penelope agreed.  
"Where are we?"  
"This is my cottage. This is where I go when I need time out."  
"Yours?"  
"Yeah, my parents owned it. When they died, they left it to my brothers and I, and when I finished College, my brothers gave me the house. They have their own families and their own houses, and they knew how much I loved this place, so when I graduated, they transferred it to my name. When we have our little reunions we usually meet up here. If they want to get away, they borrow it."  
"Thank you Pen." Emily said softly with gratitude. She knew that Penelope had shared something with her that she had never shared with anyone.  
"You're welcome. This is my happy place. It's filled with amazing memories. It never fails to bring me comfort, despite what it painfully reminds me. I feel the most me here. I hope that this gives you the comfort you need. The space to just sort it all out in your head, the beach is great for that."  
"I think it will."

Penelope showed Emily to her room, and where everything was. Though she didn't get there as often as she'd like, she had a lady down the road look after the house for her. To make sure it was cleaned and aired regularly.

Emily appreciated the room that Penelope gave her. Upon their arrival, she had made herself scarce leaving Emily to her own devices. She took her shoes off and headed out the back door to walk down the beach waving at Penelope who was reading a book in the hammock.

She had met Aaron at a young age, and from that first moment, she was attracted to him. So it didn't take much selling to apply for the position in his team. She wasn't quite ready for his incredibly cold reception of her those first few months, his suspiciousness of her personhood and intentions. She understood them in time, and little by little he thawed. She remembered watching Aaron with Hayley that night they went to the bar and thought how incredibly lucky that they had found each other. There was so much love between them. There was no denying that she was the love of his life and that the sun set and rose with Hayley. She watched him become even more withdrawn when Hayley asked for a divorce. She knew how that broke him. She also knew that Hayley didn't leave him because they stopped loving each other. The day that Hayley left him was the day he came to her apartment to ask her to join the rest of the team on the case despite her request for a transfer. He knew what she was willing to give up for the sake of the team. He fought for her that day, and ever since then, she found herself fighting for him every chance someone needed to.

After New York and Cyrus they gravitated to each other in silent understanding. Without a word being spoken she knew that he trusted her the most, that his relationship with her was different. His relationship with JJ and Penelope were more of those of siblings. He looked out for both JJ and Penelope like sisters. She couldn't quite define them, she just knew they were different.

Though they were already established as friends, and there was that definitive lingering possibility hanging over their heads, Foyet had brought them even closer. Finding him missing from his home that afternoon, seeing his blood on the carpet, she almost lost it. The thought that something had happened to him, that she had lost him, was unbearable. As she watched him lying on that hospital bed unconscious, it took all her strength not to throw her arms around him and never let go.

Then Hayley and Jack were taken away and he had clung to her, took refuge in her and in their friendship. They started to spend more time together. Between Dave, herself and Penelope he was hardly ever alone. Despite her initial need for self preservation, she couldn't bring herself to put any boundaries between them. She was in love with him, and there was no turning back.

Hotch was standing in his office, his focus on the empty desk that Emily Prentiss usually sat. He admitted that every day it gave him great comfort looking out his office seeing her sitting there on his desk. More often than not she would sense his stare, look up and flash him a smile.

He wasn't quite sure when his feeling began changing for her, how his feelings have suddenly escalated to what they were. His heart longed for her when she wasn't around. He missed her when he didn't see her. His day wasn't complete if it was spent without hearing her voice, or seeing her face. He knew he loved her. He knew that, but admitting it was hard, to her and especially to himself. He had always allowed his actions to convey what in words he couldn't, and he saw her heart break when he panicked. He wished he could take that moment back. To take back the look of anguish in her face at the realisation that perhaps maybe what he felt for her wasn't enough. But Penelope was right, he needed to make the choice and if he didn't want to lose her, he had to process and fast.


	3. Chapter 3

"Speak…" Penelope answered absently as her phone vibrated beside on the hammock. She had contemplated turning off her phone as she always did when she was at the cottage, but seeing as Em had taken that route she thought one of them should at least be contactable.  
"Hey,"  
"Hey Charlie Brown. What can I do for you?"  
"How are you guys doing?"  
"We're fine thank you. I appreciate the inclusion, but to answer your real question, she's processing. She went for a walk an hour or so ago, she's getting there."  
"Can I, do you think she'd see me?"  
"I don't know Hotch it depends on whether or not you know what you want, because you get one chance here."  
"You think I even have that?"  
"Barely, but it's there. She loves you, and has loved you for so long. It's not easy to just walk away from that regardless how hurt you are."

Emily returned to find Penelope in the exact same position she was in when she left hours before. Her head stuck in a book in the hammock covered with a blanket.

"Have you moved at all?" she asked amused  
"I actually have. I made chicken salad for dinner. I was just waiting till you came back. If you want to freshen up I'll put the rolls in the oven for a few minutes and we can eat."  
"That sounds great. I just realised that I'm starving."  
"Thought you might be. Go on up and I'll see you in a few minutes."  
"Cool, thanks Pen."

Penelope rose from the hammock and threw the rolls in the over for a few minutes while she set the table. When Emily came into the room Penelope noticed that she was wasn't looking as conflicted as did when she first went out for her walk.

"The beach helped?"  
"Yeah it did."  
"Good, I'm glad. Hotch called for you earlier. He wants to know if you guys could talk."  
"I guess, I mean why prolong the agony right? What can he say that could possibly hurt me more."  
"He may just surprise you Em." Pen said gently as Em looked at her sceptically  
"He loves you."  
"I don't know if that's enough Pen." Emily murmured looking out the window. For the last few hours she had been weighing it out in her mind and heart.  
"You've got your hand on that eject button haven't you."  
"I think I do Pen. I can't keep going this way."  
"What will it take for you to take him back? Or are you just so scared that you'll take any excuse to bolt now in the name of self preservation?"  
"Can you blame me?"  
"No honey, but are you really going to deny yourself a man that loves you, who is willing to move heaven and earth for you because you're under the notion that he will never be able to move on from his wife."  
"Do you honestly think he can?"  
"I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I didn't honey. I love you. You're my friend, and he's my friend. You guys are family. I can see how much you're hurting, but I can see how much he's hurting too. It kills him that he hurt you. He can never take that back, but you have a choice here Em. You need to talk to him, listen to what he has to say with an open mind. If you don't, you'll be short changing yourself, because Aaron Hotchner has only ever loved two women in his life, one he lost through his tragic choices, and the other he's about to lose because he's so paralysed with guilt for what happened to the first woman that he loved that he is unable to release himself. He's just as scared as you Em. He has just as much to lose as you. Maybe a little more, but if he's willing to take that chance, and give it an honest go, can you really live yourself if you don't? It's against all odds Em, but I think your love for each other is strong enough to withstand all that, as long as you both choose to do it together." Em looked up at Penelope and met her gaze, knowing that her friend had a point.  
"Think about it."  
"I will." Em promised.  
"Good, he'll be here in the morning." Pen said patting her hand as she got up to clear the table. Emily chuckled.  
"Hey it would have been tonight if he got his way."  
"Thanks Pen, for everything."  
"Anytime honey. Just think about what I said, think about what you really want, put aside your pride and your fears. Deep down in your heart, what do you want? Whatever the answer, go with it, because you will never regret going after what you what, wondering what if is living your life in purgatory and you deserve better than that."  
"So do you Pen."  
"Thanks Sweetie."  
"So are you going to take your own advise or are you just good at dishing it out?"  
"We're not exactly on the same boat Em."  
"Oh I don't know, I heard about this river in Egypt."  
"Very funny, and we're not talking about me."  
"Alright, I'll consider what you said if you consider what I'm about to say to you,"  
"Is it the only way you're going to let the bone go?"  
"Maybe…"  
"Fine. Go on."  
"Derek loves you. Out of anyone in this world, he cares about you the most." Penelope scoffed earning a look from Emily.  
"Grant it, he hasn't exactly been projecting that very well these last couple of months,"  
"I don't doubt that I once held that place in his life Em. But nothing in the last couple of months supports that or even tells me that we're friends. He drew the line Em. I didn't. He set up a boundary fence. He took away his friendship without even discussing with me. You can't say that a person who could do that actually cares about the person they do that to." Penelope explained. Em hung her head wanting nothing more than to skin Derek Morgan at that point,  
"But, I do appreciate the sentiment you were heading towards though."  
"I just want you to be happy Pen."  
"I am Em. I'm learning to live without him, which feels a little strange and admittedly it stings a little, but what would hurt more is deluding myself into thinking that one day he will snap out of it, because even if he does, it's not okay. I deserve better than that." Emily couldn't argue.


	4. Chapter 4

Early the next morning Penelope went for a long run along the beach. Emily was still asleep when she left, and assumed that she would remain asleep for another hour or so. They had stayed up pretty late the night before and she knew that Em was exhausted. Neither of them knew what time Hotch would be arriving, and they had both hoped it wouldn't be till later. In saying that, as she neared the cottage and found a figure sitting on the back steps she chuckled.

"I should have known you would be here early. She's still sleeping, and if you know what's good for you I wouldn't start with waking her up so early. It's not the way to make a girl swoon if you catch my drift." Hotch smiled,  
"I would never make that mistake twice. Emily Prentiss being awakened before she has to be equals one very angry Emily Prentiss."  
"You have learned much my Grasshopper. So if you know that why are you here so damn early?"  
"I figured you would be up early."  
"And?"  
"I don't know, thought you might want to chat." Penelope raised an eyebrow,  
"Aaron Hotchner did you really just use 'chat' in a sentence?"  
"What can I say, you girls have influenced me. Seriously Pen, you're constantly there for everyone at a drop of a hat regardless what's going on in your world. I wanted you to know that there's someone here for you too."  
"I appreciate that."  
"Jack and I, we wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for you, for Emily, the rest of the team, and I…"  
"Aaron, you don't need to thank me for that. It's what friends are for"  
"And I appreciate that."  
"Aaron, you didn't have to drive here at six in the morning to tell me that."  
"Pen I know,"  
"Know what? Oh…"  
"Yeah,"  
"He told you?"  
"Yes he did."  
"Good, I'm glad."  
"Pen,"  
"It's okay Aaron, he found the love of his life. She's pregnant and they're going to get married. It's not an uncommon progression."

Hotch watched her turn her gaze towards the beach, her face in complete resolution. He saw the pain her eyes that she tried so hard to hide.

"I've always known it wasn't me, but I never thought I'd lose him as a friend, and if I did, I didn't think it was something he would initiate. I think that's the part that hurts the most. That he chose to walk away. He didn't even fight for us. I didn't even get the chance to be the one to walk away."  
"I'm sorry Pen."  
"Aaron, if you love that girl up there. You tell her. I know it hurts to move on from Hayley, I get that, but you have a shot for happiness here. Take it. You deserve it and she deserves it. The kind of love you share, it comes once in a lifetime. You were fortunate enough to be given a second chance. Don't throw that away." Penelope allowed him to see through her, so that he could see what she was trying to say. If Hotch had any doubts, the look in her eyes quenched that. Penelope dropped her hand on his shoulder as she walked past him to head to the shower.

When Penelope came out half an hour later from her shower she saw that he was busily cooking breakfast.

"Nice Hotchner, you sure know how to worm into her heart." Aaron smiled as he looked up from the waffle griddle expertly lifting the waffles with a spatula. He handed her a plate full of food and a fork,  
"Thanks, I'm going to take my breakfast, my book and Ipod and head down the dunes. You do your thing."  
"Pen, you don't have to go."  
"Ahh, but I do." She answered simply, and he caught on.  
"Okay, but you know you would never have to do it on our account."  
"I do. Good luck."  
"Thanks Pen, for everything." Penelope merely answered with a wave and closed the porch door behind her. Hotch watched as she walked down to the dunes with her plate full of food, a bag over her shoulder that held her book, towel and Ipod and thought Derek Morgan was a stupid man.

Hotch stood by the door of the room where Emily slept. There was something calming about just seeing her so peaceful. So beautiful. He wanted brush the loose strand of hair that fell over cheek, caress her face with his fingers. More than that he wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let go.

"Seriously, you need to staring, it's creepy." Emily murmured as she stirred rubbing her nose with the back of her hand to warm it without fully opening her eyes. Hotch took it as white flag and crossed the distance between them. He sat by the edge of the bed caressed her cheeks with his fingers,  
"I'm going to say something and I need you to listen to me, and hear what I have to say." Emily opened her eyes and looked at him,  
"I am in love with you Emily Prentiss, in that over the ball park, can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath kind of way." Emily inwardly gasped as his eyes vouched for every word he uttered.  
"I know that you think my pulling away after I kissed you was because I still loved Hayley, and I admit Em, a part of me will always love Hayley. She gave me my son, she played a huge part on who I became, she was my best friend for half my life, and I know that hurts you, but hear me when I say…I have never loved anyone, as much as I love you. When you're not near me, I find it hard to breathe, when I can't see you, I find it hard to concentrate, like something's missing. As corny as it sounds, I feel incomplete without you. You make me a better person just by being in my life. You challenge me, you bring out the best in me, more than anything else you love me for me, and all of my short comings. You love so unconditionally and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I am grateful that you have been brought to my life. I loved Hayley and she will always be a part of me, but you are my present and future, you are the one I can't live without. I just need you to be patient with me. I need for us to take this slow, but know this Emily Prentiss, I am going to marry you one day, and you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. For now, forgive me. Let me love you. Let me show you how much I love you." Emily's eyes filled with tears as he spoke so earnestly.  
"I love you too." She murmured sitting up. Hotch pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. Emily buried her face into his chest and breathed him in. The thought the she had almost lost him overwhelmed her,  
"Hey, sweetheart what's the matter?"  
"I thought I'd lost you." She answered tearfully. Hotch held her face in his hands and brushed her tears away,  
"You will never lose me."


	5. Chapter 5

Penelope glanced back at her cottage and smiled. If Hotch played his cards right, Emily Prentiss would be going home with him in a couple of hours, which she would welcome. Not because she wanted to get rid of them, but she wasn't quite opposed to being alone either. What Aaron had decided to bring up was something she had successfully pushed from her mind for as long as she could, and now he had unleashed it wasn't so easy to flick the button on out of sight out of mind.

"Honey I'm pregnant." She heard Tamara said excitedly as she passed Derek's office. Penelope stopped in her tracks, she was on her way to Derek's office to drop off a file. She paused at the door in shock. Derek's eyes met hers as Tamara threw her arms around him. Derek caught Tamara in his arms in surprised. Penelope backed out the door and headed back to her bunker without detection.

In truth she and Derek have had very little to do with each since his appointment as Unit Chief. She knew that it was important that he execute professionalism, which is why to a certain extent she understood the evident dropping of endearments. She had discovered that he and Tamara were official when she and the girls had gone to the park on their lunch break one afternoon. They were headed back to the office when they saw Derek and Tamara sitting on the park bench holding hands which certainly explained why he had literally dropped from her life. From that point on Penelope had made a conscious decision to respect the boundaries he had enforced. Derek had noticed that their professionalism with each other hiked up a few notches, beyond recognition.

On the day of Tamara's news, JJ had gathered them all into the brief room for their new case, including Penelope who was hoping to skip it. When he had entered the room she was already sitting down seemingly occupied with the doodling she was doing on her fuzzy notebook unable to look at him at all.

The day they arrived was the morning that Emily had called. She was packing up her office as Strauss had given them a few days off. She had already planned to head to the cottage and was just about to head home to pack when she got Em's frantic call. Once upon a time Derek would have been at her door step making sure that she was okay, but that was a life time ago, and presently, she had learned to not expect anything of him at all.

While Emily was walking along the beach upon their arrival her phone had began to buzz, and though she didn't want to answer it, it didn't feel right to purposely ignore it,

"Hi Fran," Penelope greeted warmly. Being best friends with Derek Morgan meant you were intertwined into his family, and though she loved it normally, it only hurt that little bit more at that point,  
"Hi Sweetheart."  
"How are you?" asked not knowing if she was calling for a specific reason or just checking in.  
"I'm…okay," Penelope picked up on the pause,  
"So you know."  
"Yes, he called before they went on the case."  
"Congratulations Grams." Penelope said genuinely knowing how long Fran had been waiting for Derek to produce off springs she can spoil.  
"Thanks honey. I just wanted to call, to say hi."  
"I see right through you Fran Morgan, but I thank you."  
"I love you Penelope, you will always be a part of this family." Fran promised  
"I love you too Fran. Thank you for calling. You really didn't have to."  
"I wanted to. You mean a lot to all of us." Penelope's silence confirmed that she doubted that,  
"I know he didn't handle this well, but he does love you Penelope. You mean the world to him."  
"I'm sure there was a time when he did and I did Fran, but recent events have told me that no longer applies."  
"I'm so sorry Sweetheart."  
"You have nothing to be sorry for Fran. I appreciate the call. I appreciate the sentiment behind the call. You know that if you ever need anything, I'm here. You can call me any time. We can still do Pamper days and Coffees if you still want to."  
"I would really like that."  
"Take care Fran Morgan, know that you will always have a special place in my heart."  
"And you in mine Sweetheart." Fran said softly trying to hold in her emotions.

The tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled the conversation between her and Fran. Truth was she was losing more than just Derek, she was losing the family that he came with, the family that had enveloped her with open arms and that wasn't fair. There had already been so many changes, and at work, so much more was bound to change.

He watched her from afar sitting on his bike he could see her clearly. With her knees to her chest and her chin resting on her knees, hair blowing against the wind, she was wiping tears from her eyes. Tears he knew his actions had evoked. He wasn't quite sure how it had gotten as bad as it had. After her warning about Tamara, it brought a line that had never existed before, and when things progressed between him and Tamara, he couldn't bring himself to tell her. Tamara who had heard so much about the team, and by default Penelope had reacted to some underlying connection she could sense between Derek and Penelope. He noticed very early on that Tamara stiffened at the mere mention of Penelope so he had stopped mentioning her altogether. He tried to justify his need to put a boundary between them was due to his new position, but even that was a lie. At the end of the day, he knew as well as she did that he compromised their friendship, for a girl. That he had willingly alienated his best friend for a girl friend.

Tamara was pregnant, and that spun him out. He hadn't even taken her home to Chicago. They had gotten serious so fast that it made his head spin. He had only told his mother a couple of months back and that was because she was hounding him about bringing Penelope home for Christmas, and asked him why he no longer brought up his so called best friend in conversation. Taking a deep breath he made his way to her. It had been a long time since he had been there. He and Penelope used to take the odd weekend here and there to just hang at the beach. He knew what the place meant to her, and how important it was to her.

"Hey," Penelope stiffened at the sound of his voice. Closing her eyes to gain some ounce of composure before turning her head to look up at him wiping away her tears with the back of her hand as she stood up, overwhelmed by their current situation Derek had closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. Refusing to give into her need of him Penelope's brought her fists to his chest as if to keep the distance between them but Derek only pulled her closer till her arms were resting on his chest and her head was tucked beneath his chin,

_I held her close to me  
Coz I know she breaks so easily  
And then I told her  
Though I knew no matter how I tried to console her  
Then she'd do the best she could  
But there are times the best is no damn good  
And no matter how you try to be kind  
There's always still a part of you you'll leave behind  
When they fall apart  
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart._

"I'm so sorry P. For everything, for pushing you away, for not listening to you, for dropping out of your life, for hurting you the way I did. I'm so sorry." Derek's voice broke as tears poured down his cheeks, there was no fixing where they were. No apologies, no action could undo what was already done.

_I lied and told her she'll be fine  
Though we both knew it was just a lie  
I had to do it  
Coz I had said anything to help me get through it.  
And she reached out for my hand  
And her simple touch was more than I could stand  
And I had to turn away coz I knew  
All the hurt that she was feeling, I was feeling too_

Penelope unclenched her fists and lay them flat on his chest as she gently pulled back to look at him, acutely aware of the arms that did not release her,

_She could've gotten angry  
And made me feel like a guilty child  
But I realized that never was her style  
I wanted her to hurt me  
And not treat me like a friend  
I wanted her to say "there'd be someday  
I'd come crawling on my knees to ask her back again"  
But she acted like a lady till the end  
Oh, what a lady!_

"You deserve to be happy Derek. You can finally give your Mom those grandchildren she's been praying for. You can finally have that family you've dreamed of for so long, that wife to come home to after a hard day's work, the person who makes it all okay at the end of the day. I don't begrudge that. I want you to be happy."

_I thought that she'd break down  
But she smiled at me and never made a sound  
And I guess she understood in her way  
Coz her silence told me everything she could not say  
When they fall apart  
There's just no easy way  
There's no easy way to break somebody's heart... _

Penelope wrapped her arms around his neck, and gave him a hug. She buried her face into his chest, his into her neck. They held onto each other tightly as if their life depended on it. Penelope broke free first and lay her hand on his cheek. With one final act of bravery, in the spirit of no regrets, she brought her lips to his and kissed him. Derek's whole body reacted as he kissed her back, the years that they had shared together, the flirting, the fun times, the sad times, and everything in between, it was all in that kiss. Everything in that kiss, told them what they both needed to know. Penelope's hand touched his chest as she pulled back. As she looked in his eyes, she could see the reflection of sadness that she knew that was in hers.

"Be happy Derek," she whispered softly. Penelope turned to go and Derek had grabbed her hand. Penelope gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand before letting go. Derek watched as she walked away without turning back. Derek had to take a breath, scared that he would hyperventilate as everything began to crash around him. He knew that she had just let him go.

**So much for this not being Penelope and Derek centred. THE END… for now maybe. I don't know. The song is a James Ingram song called 'There's no easy way' it is what inspired me for this chapter. Hope you all enjoyed that. **


End file.
